Since starting shadow work last year, my transformation journey has soared. I aim to be relatable and inspiring, using creativity to heal, educate, and empower. Here’s a peek into my soul:
After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and cultural misogyny, I use writing as an outlet to connect, empower, and heal. I believe struggles pave the way for our meaning in life—crisis fuels transformation.
Here are six articles to inspire your healing, wholeness, and balance:
Our patriarchal culture has dismissed, diminished, humiliated, shamed, abused, and suppressed women worldwide for many centuries. — by Allison Crady, in “An Injustice!”
The best way to take away a narcissist’s power is to starve them of the incredible amounts of attention they crave. — by Christine Schoenwald, an abuse survivor
They didn’t abuse me because…
Four years ago: Sitting alone on my bed, a pile of pills clinked together in my hands as I fidgeted, I felt ready to end my life. Without narcissist awareness, I blamed myself for the fact that I was feeling completely worthless. I didn’t know my ex-boyfriend and two family members had abused me from day one.
For the past ten months, I’ve poured my whole self into recovery, engaging in shadow work therapy, working with an abuse survivor life coach, joining support groups, studying narcissism and trauma, and processing inner pain. …
Sitting at our kitchen table, my friend asked, “What are your intentions for this mushroom trip?” I just want to get rid of all this darkness. “Greater self-acceptance,” I said. Though I had prepared my space for a zen-like psychedelic journey, I soon felt waves of self-judgment flooding my mind. Tossing around in bed, I endured a distinct sting from flashbacks, numerous moments of judgment towards myself and others.
My psyche zeroed in on what may be my biggest life challenge: high self-judgment. I also gained reverence for mind-altering substances and decided to seek more accountability.
My dad and older brother wrestled on the floor as my mom captured the entertainment on video. At five years old, I felt eager to join. But when I got knocked over, I grew angry. Instead of consoling me, they laughed at me; then, my brothers’ theatrical karate moves took centerstage.
Pouting in the corner, my child-self accepted that my emotions were ridiculous. I’m not cool enough.
A patriarchal Christian lens informed my world beliefs. I unknowingly developed internalized misogyny. I became “one of the boys” to avoid seeming weak. Subconsciously, I equated feminine with stupid; believing men were inherently…
On a long country drive with my narcissistic family member, I opened up about some shameful secrets. I slowly spoke words of my ongoing depression, sexual abuse from older men, and how I almost killed myself. Holding my breath, I looked toward the driver’s seat, hoping for acceptance, love. But when they seemed distant, I felt embarrassed, blaming myself. That was a lot to share. I should’ve done that better.
For another four years, I carried those burdens before sharing again, releasing the self-blame, judgment, and toxic shame.
“I’m intellectually ready to move on from what happened, but I’m still…
In my home studio, I set my iPhone to video mode, tapping to record. Stepping a few feet back from the camera, I breathed deeply as my fingers pressed to the keyboard keys, my mouth moving close to the microphone. For six minutes, I played freestyle melodies and improvised lyrics. But as I watched the recording afterward, I felt waves of shame.
You keep messing up; why haven’t you been practicing? Ah, your hair looks greasy; why didn’t you shower? Yikes, your singing. When will you finally finish that voice class?
At 27 years old, I’ve spent 26 years being abused by narcissists. My healing journey started nine months ago when my therapist helped me identify two narcissists in my close family (one overt, one covert).
Having been primed for toxic relationships, I connected with many narcissists in my adult life, including an incredibly traumatizing ex-boyfriend. My coping mechanisms included overachieving, people-pleasing, and codependent behaviors.
Most days, I feel proud of my progress; I’m beginning to be authentic and love myself deeply. But attracting more narcissists frequently happens for abuse survivors; I’m not immune.
Despite pouring into topic research, seeing a…
❤️ Writing on psychology, feminism, and relationships. Words in: The Ascent, Better Advice, Fearless She Wrote, CYMCYL, An Injustice, and The Virago. (she/her)